The hardest and most liberating year of my life

A year ago today my partner of 13 years, husband of 11, and father to my three children (then 6, 4 and 8 months) moved out. I squeezed every last bit of myself into our marriage. I was full of faith and hope throughout but in the end had to admit defeat. By the point of letting him go there were no other options left.

This year has been a whirlwind of survival made up of anxiety, fragility, healing, sleeplessness, meltdowns, grief (though tbh that pretty much ran its course some time before the split), cortisol, sugar, sugar, sugar (for me not the kids!), but most of all relief.

I can breath again. I can be me. I feel naked and vulnerable, secure and authentic. I may have had a bit of an identity crisis and have realised how much value society (certainly church, albeit subconsciously and implicitly) places on marriage over singleness, marrieds over singles. I am just as valuable without a ring on my finger as I am with. I'm not bereft, I'm whole. I'm not a failure, I'm a trooper. I don't have to explain myself - people will think what they will think (though I am happy to talk, and to be listened to). I'm thankful for friends who are/have been single mums and are secure in it; they have been good role models. I'm not needy but I appreciate help and I'm not afraid to ask for it, nor ashamed to pay for it. I feel looked after by the state and I'm thankful for benefits. I have considered life in a Christian commune but the most important thing for the kids has been to keep things as settled as possible!

I have nothing to give and I have everything to give. I am learning amidst the chaos and confusion. I'm not sure what I'm learning but it's definitely good! I feel like no-one who's only got to know me in the last 11 years or so knows me properly - because in some ways I feel like I've lost myself. I've realised that the people who've known me the longest are generally the ones who most accurately reflect myself back to me, helping me remember who I am. And yet, of course, I'm not who I was. I have also unknowingly been finding myself! And so I'm discovering who I've been becoming, and hopefully others are as well. There are also those who I've only got to know in the last year who are part of the 'new' me, and I'm thankful for their and others' friendship.

I'm definitely on a road of discovery. Not one I would ever have chosen to go down but one that feels safe with my new husband, Jesus. I've loved Him all along (if He is a he; I think 'He' likely transcends gender) but am rediscovering life with 'Him' in a new way. I'd far rather depend on Him than anyone or anything else. It's hard but it's good. It's liberating. I'm free! I'm rising from the ashes!

The year has been incredibly hard, but better, peppered with fun, laughter-crying and love, and I have known the tangible peace of my heavenly father (/mother). I thank Him from my heart for carrying me and the kids through this time. I'm thankful also for the people God has put around me over this last year, some of whom I didn't even know this time a year ago, one of whom I've known since I was in her womb. I have needed 'family'. I have been disappointed by church, I have been encouraged by church. It means more than I can say when people absorb me and the kids into their families, warts and all. I have found some families to be more inclusive than others. It's a shame but I understand. It didn't help that at the same time that my husband moved out most of my closer friends here were having significant crises/life events of their own - moving away, having babies, etc. But here I am today, stronger, weaker, blessed :)

"Be still and know that I am God."