Challenging Behaviour Strategies

I thought I'd share some strategies I find useful for when my eldest is heading for/has gone off the scale! They have come from my paediatric nurse training and various workshops I've been to. I just wrote them out for my parents to help them feel empowered and avoid reaching the end of their tether. In case helpful for anyone :) It's relevant whether the presenting behaviour is hyperactivity or anger, or whatever:

De-escalation is the name of the game. It's a skill so it can be learnt; it might go against the grain but it saves everybody's blood pressure!! So:

Keep yourself calm; be the bigger person; research shows if you focus on breathing slowly the child will do the same without you needing to say anything about it. 

Speak slowly and quietly. This will help the child slow down. It's the opposite of how you feel but if you act how you feel then the situation escalates and doesn't end well.

Distract and redirect yourself and him from the situation: eg give a closed positive choice: would you like to do x or y? (Eg go and chill out over there or run ahead [one calm choice, one lively choice]). This may spark an idea of his own which is also fine. *I have found this one really helpful*

Another form of distraction is to ask him to help you, eg with his littlest brother - sometimes that different focus and responsibility turns out to make all the difference.

Swap with another adult if possible. Avoid ganging up even though you may both be feeling exasperated.

Wherever possible consciously keep at least two paces away from the child (to avoid throttling them!).

Pick your battles. As long as the child's behaviour isn't dangerous to themselves or others, or going to break anything that matters, let them get it out of their system, eg stamping up the stairs/shouting/slamming door etc; this isn't a time that trying to reason with him will work - just give him a wide berth! 

Where possible remove something that's causing/exacerbating the problem (eg yourself..., or perhaps, for example, if hitting Brother calmly remove brother) 

Use positive language, eg you can go out there rather than you can't go in there.

Don't talk about consequences.

Notice any tiny positive thing and emphasise it - celebrate every little thing - eg that was kind to put the x down/you're using your self control really well by...

When you have both calmed down, which may be minutes to days later, listen to how he felt about what happened and tell him how you felt. Work together to find solutions. Tell him some of the things you love about him and reassure him that you still love him just as much - the behaviour doesn't affect that. In the meantime debrief with another adult, in person or online.

When reflecting with the child have two stages:

1. I was/I felt (give them language, preferably written down as a focus eg cross, sad, happy, frustrated, tired, bored, angry, fed up, surprised, anxious, embarrassed, confident, determined, scared, silly, jealous, lonely, hopeful, any others?)

2. Next time I would like to (say sorry, do another activity, go and see mummy or daddy, go outside, go somewhere else, something else?)

I'm often told that I am unusually patient and peaceful! I think it's because I generally employ these strategies without thinking about it these days (there are exceptions!!) rather than allowing myself to get drawn in! The hardest bit is that the precise moment you need to delve deep into your reserves for these strategies is the precise moment you may actually explode... I quite enjoy the personal challenge; hopefully you will too (if you don't already)! ;) xxxx

Facebook Fast

A friend, who happens to be a university chaplain on sebatical and spending much of it researching internet residents/non-residents, asked me yesterday what my experience of fasting Facebook for Lent has been like. I thought I'd post my resulting reflections here :) I have definitely found it liberating. I am enjoying living my life in 3D, free from the self-imposed enslavement that Facebook brings. It feels good not to be translating life experiences into stati as they happen, not to be wanting to portray myself in a certain way and instead just getting on with being. That's part of why it feels liberating. I've been spending a heck of a lot more time with God, reading the bible, listening to UCB Christian Radio, singing worship songs, writing out scriptures that catch my attention and sticking them on the wall, praying. I'd rather get my identity and intimacy from my my creator anyway :) It has crossed my mind that maybe I'm brain washing myself in so-doing but I figure washing my brain can't be a bad thing as long as it's with good stuff, right? "Whatever is pure, whatever is noble, whatever is praiseworthy, think of such things" - that's somewhere in the bible :) My fast also happens to have coincided with the most stressful, anxiety-ridden few weeks of my life so I'm glad I haven't been distracted by Facebook when I have felt summoned to go deeper with God because I don't want to miss a trick with Him, especially at times like this, but also at all times; He knows best (maybe that's why, in His grace, this intensely challenging time has happened when I haven't been sucked into Facebook?).

I haven't been legalistic about my fast; my sister had a baby in America at the beginning of Lent so I have been going onto her account to see the pics, and glancing at my pm's while I'm there, to check I'm not missing any important messages, and I've allowed myself Sundays off (or should I say on?). But on those Sundays it feels strange to me that I found Facebook so all consuming before because now it holds far less appeal than it did. I like to see what people are up to and feel in touch with people I don't see but I am really pleased the whole thing has lost its grip on me! As a single mum Facebook can feel like my connection with the outside world when I'm on my own in the house of an evening but actually, as I have read during this time, "In vain we rise early and *stay up late*, for the Lord grants sleep to those He loves" (also somewhere in the bible) and I have been going to bed with the kids and feeling much better for it (not that my eldest goes to bed that early)! So I like Facebook but I think I will use it differently from now on, trying to avoid using it to present myself in certain ways (I've gone off politics anyway!), and also giving it its right place in my life so I don't gravitate towards it so much xxxxxxx

Food

Trying to figure out the perfect diet at the mo. As in for healthy, wholesome nutrition - not weight loss. Gosh it's a minefield isn't it!  Apparently our bodies produce saturated fat naturally, sufficient for all our needs, so we don't need to injest it. So that's red meat and saturated fats off the list. 

I'm trying to imagine how a redesigned food pyramid should look. 

Knowing more and more people being diagnosed with dementia at earlier and earlier ages I've been reading about 'grain brain' which has pretty much resulted in me striking grains and starchy food out of my intake, as a general rule. So the food pyramid I'm shaping is starting to look pretty alternative, to some... I would go with the paleo one but they're big into red meat and saturated fats so I need to tweak it but who am I to do that?!! I can't help myself though!

Looking into ancient grains now. I think they're ok because they don't have the sugar effect on the body that all modern grains do (including modern whole grains) so perhaps I could add them into my food pyramid because these types of grain do bring important nutrients and are very low in gluten, if not free from it.

So if I adjust paleo to suit my hunches I guess we'd have oily fish, eggs and turkey at the bottom. Perhaps something like the new one in the following link, minus the saturated fats and sugar (including fructose, though I would include apples, pears and berries because these are very low in fructose). 

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/introducing-the-new-primal-blueprint-food-pyramid/#axzz3SUEXZgSV 

I think that's basically how I think I should eat: Mainly veg, most calories from protein (I have eggs or fish [prawns today!] rather than grains, fruit or dairy for breakfast everyday anyway coz they fill me up til lunch and are nutrient-dense), and ancient grains have a place in that there link too :) I'm not sure I want my diet to be so focused on animal produce though. I wonder if I could add vegetarian proteins into the bottom; I wonder why they aren't there?

Finally, thanks to Davina McCall (sp?!) I have discovered 100% cocoa solids chocolate! I didn't know it existed. Apparently it's available in big supermarkets so I will be giving that a try because it is sugar free :) Until I went sugar free for 3 months and subsequently drastically reduced my sugar intake I would not have liked it at all but I've seen my palet go from tolerating 75% dark chocolate as a less more-ish alternative to milk chocolate, to now enjoying 90% dark chocolate, so 100% is the next logical step! Yay! This is a really informative little video on sugar that was key to me getting a grip and kicking it to the curb when I was truly addicted, eating 3 packets of Maltesers for my tea every day!! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM

My Bare-footers

Occasionally people are intrigued by my unconventional choice not to make my innately footwear-averse youngest child wear shoes. Some applaud it and tell me of how they hate wearing shoes themselves, or how they loved to go without as a child; I hear some lovely stories from people - it can be quite a conversation starter :) Others are appalled and very forthright in saying so! And of course there's everything in between, and those that don't notice or think nothing of it (as it should be ;) ). So I've compiled a Barefoot Info sheet to give to any 'interested' passers-by. Thought I'd share it here in case you are one of them! This is it:

I've done a lot of research into this evidence-based practice and have made my parenting decision based on my children's best interests :) So here's a brief summary of the wealth of thorough research out there (which basically comes down to: the benefits outway the risks). 

Based on the below evidence and more, I've come to the admittedly counter-cultural conclusion, that barefoot is best - it helps muscles develop and allows skin to breath, and among many other benefits, feeling the terrain beneath their feet helps children learn to walk: Feet weren't designed to be in shoes. 

Footwear is a cultural habit alien to the vast majority of the world, including the country my children's dad was brought up in where he and all his peers walked to school barefoot and stayed that way all day. 

Shoe-wearers have a much higher percentage of ailments than habitually barefoot people - from bunions due to soft skin through to hip and skeletal problems due to improper alignment caused by soles and the 'splint' effect of footwear. 

Going barefoot as much as possible is especially beneficial to children, and the younger the better - because: barefoot walking develops the muscles and ligaments of the foot, increases the strength of the arch, contributes to good posture and improves our proprioception. Foot development can be damaged by the constraints of shoes. The younger the foot, the greater the potential for damage (the cartialage our feet are made up of at birth isn't fully bone until our late teens). Shoes are of particular concern in children learning to walk because the lack of sole flexibility, and even the slightest incline at the heel end, causes the children to bounce and tip forward. Foot movement is restricted which has an impact on our physiological development. 

In footwear, our temperature-sensing nerves in our feet are stuck just reading the inside of our shoes. This dulls our senses and numbs our nerves into auto-pilot. Walking barefoot in different environments, weathers and temperatures keeps our nervous system stimulated, awake and developing. As a result the circulation to our feet is more efficient as is their temperature regulation, and so walking on cold ground does not have the same effect it would on a shoe-wearer's bare feet, in fact the well seasoned barefooter rarely has significantly cold feet. 

There are incidents that will happen with or without shoes on, but wearing shoes teaches children how to pay less attention to what is going on beneath their feet, and disconnects them from their natural way of being. 

 I do put shoes on my children when absolutely necessary, and let them wear them if they want to, but I choose their footwear very carefully with extra thin soles, zero heel, wide toes and flexible sides to allow for full range of movement among all the other above-mentioned reasons. I generally get them from Vivobarefoot, who have further research on their website. 

Thanks for reading!!! If you're interested in further reading there are a number of books and websites on the subject such as those below, or you could even speak to a paediatric podiatrist if you're feeling really motivated! 

Books: Every Woman's Guide to Foot Pain Relief, Katy Bowman, Alignment Matters, Katy Bowman, Move Your DNA, Katy Bowman 

Websites (there are many!): www.unshod.org the guardian.com (Why Barefoot is Best for Children) www.katysays.com