Challenging Behaviour Strategies

I thought I'd share some strategies I find useful for when my eldest is heading for/has gone off the scale! They have come from my paediatric nurse training and various workshops I've been to. I just wrote them out for my parents to help them feel empowered and avoid reaching the end of their tether. In case helpful for anyone :) It's relevant whether the presenting behaviour is hyperactivity or anger, or whatever:

De-escalation is the name of the game. It's a skill so it can be learnt; it might go against the grain but it saves everybody's blood pressure!! So:

Keep yourself calm; be the bigger person; research shows if you focus on breathing slowly the child will do the same without you needing to say anything about it. 

Speak slowly and quietly. This will help the child slow down. It's the opposite of how you feel but if you act how you feel then the situation escalates and doesn't end well.

Distract and redirect yourself and him from the situation: eg give a closed positive choice: would you like to do x or y? (Eg go and chill out over there or run ahead [one calm choice, one lively choice]). This may spark an idea of his own which is also fine. *I have found this one really helpful*

Another form of distraction is to ask him to help you, eg with his littlest brother - sometimes that different focus and responsibility turns out to make all the difference.

Swap with another adult if possible. Avoid ganging up even though you may both be feeling exasperated.

Wherever possible consciously keep at least two paces away from the child (to avoid throttling them!).

Pick your battles. As long as the child's behaviour isn't dangerous to themselves or others, or going to break anything that matters, let them get it out of their system, eg stamping up the stairs/shouting/slamming door etc; this isn't a time that trying to reason with him will work - just give him a wide berth! 

Where possible remove something that's causing/exacerbating the problem (eg yourself..., or perhaps, for example, if hitting Brother calmly remove brother) 

Use positive language, eg you can go out there rather than you can't go in there.

Don't talk about consequences.

Notice any tiny positive thing and emphasise it - celebrate every little thing - eg that was kind to put the x down/you're using your self control really well by...

When you have both calmed down, which may be minutes to days later, listen to how he felt about what happened and tell him how you felt. Work together to find solutions. Tell him some of the things you love about him and reassure him that you still love him just as much - the behaviour doesn't affect that. In the meantime debrief with another adult, in person or online.

When reflecting with the child have two stages:

1. I was/I felt (give them language, preferably written down as a focus eg cross, sad, happy, frustrated, tired, bored, angry, fed up, surprised, anxious, embarrassed, confident, determined, scared, silly, jealous, lonely, hopeful, any others?)

2. Next time I would like to (say sorry, do another activity, go and see mummy or daddy, go outside, go somewhere else, something else?)

I'm often told that I am unusually patient and peaceful! I think it's because I generally employ these strategies without thinking about it these days (there are exceptions!!) rather than allowing myself to get drawn in! The hardest bit is that the precise moment you need to delve deep into your reserves for these strategies is the precise moment you may actually explode... I quite enjoy the personal challenge; hopefully you will too (if you don't already)! ;) xxxx