Successful Parenting Part 2

I'm going to use this much-needed space today to reflect on my children's behaviour. (It relates to Part 1 below)... I'm sometimes embarassed and on occasion infuriated by it, and frustrated when they don't do themselves any favours socially or when it feels like they're letting themselves down - but I'm never ashamed of them or the things they do. Their behaviour doesn't put me to shame - or them - it isn't who they are and we're all a work in progress and have different invisible challenges and capacities to one another - both as children and in our parenting. This is something that's been brewing in the background of my grey matter for a while now. I find it hard to articulate not least for fear I will be misunderstood, but I passionately feel for others as much as myself, that parenting success should not be measured by our children's behaviour. I hate the thought that my neighbour whose car was damaged at the hands of my son might think of him as a little sh*t despite knowing little about him (and even if she knew everything about him), and that she may be judging my parenting as substandard for letting them play out front in the first place etc etc. (Granted she may not be thinking these things but you catch my drift!).. Different children, even within my own family, require completely different handling, support and strategies, and every one posesses inner beauty that we all need to see in one another, especially when surface issues make that difficult.

I was reminded the other day of the bible verse 'People look at the outside but god looks at the heart'. I've been meeting up with a friend lately to watch a series of DVD's called Captivating which are based on a book by the same name and a woman on that talks about her church upbringing having an unhelpful emphasis on being good to the point that she felt she wasn't loveable if she wasn't doing all the right things. My own church experience thankfully hasn't been like hers and I was relieved that she's learnt that her heavenly father doesn't want to parent that way - he see's her as precious regardless of what she does. This is how I hope I parent too. I want to help my children to be the best that they can be (and I am well aware that my parenting often leaves something to be desired) but I categorically accept them as they are and I unashamedly believe that this is a crucial part - if not the very mark - of good parenting; unfortunately though, I think it is often sidelined, looked down upon, or completely overlooked. It's so important to me that children know that they are accepted and acceptable all the time in every situation just because they - are. I often whisper to my children as they're falling asleep "I love you when you're angry, I love you when you're sad, I love you when you're doing unkind things, I love you when you're shouting, I love you when you're whispering, I love you when you're happy, I love you when you're doing things you shouldn't" etc etc etc. I believe their heavenly daddy is saying the same to them - and to me. I just wish that people who only see Bilbo in situations where his best side doesn't naturally shine through, could be automatically forgiving and accepting, and take the risk and inconvenience, and painful choice, of choosing love - acknowledging to themselves his innate priceless value - seeing the gold in him and treating him accordingly (many do and for those I am thankful).

I'm not talking about sherking discipline, I'm talking about embracing dignity ('that a being has an innate right to be valued and receive ethical treatment'). The other day my nextdoor neighbour (on the other side to the garage incident), after seeing Bilbo repeatedly and deliberately upsetting both his brothers in the garden, witnessed him fall up our steep concrete steps and hurt his legs. Said neighbour's reaction? "Serves him right." Something tells me we all would benefit from higher level thinking (myself included). I'm reminded of another bible verse (which I am also applying to my feelings about said neighbour): "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. Cheerfully share your home with those who need a meal or a place to stay."

As far as parenting goes I feel it is short-sighted, misplaced and frankly judgemental to base our opinions of someone's parenting primarily on the behaviour of their children.