Successful Parenting Part 2

I'm going to use this much-needed space today to reflect on my children's behaviour. (It relates to Part 1 below)... I'm sometimes embarassed and on occasion infuriated by it, and frustrated when they don't do themselves any favours socially or when it feels like they're letting themselves down - but I'm never ashamed of them or the things they do. Their behaviour doesn't put me to shame - or them - it isn't who they are and we're all a work in progress and have different invisible challenges and capacities to one another - both as children and in our parenting. This is something that's been brewing in the background of my grey matter for a while now. I find it hard to articulate not least for fear I will be misunderstood, but I passionately feel for others as much as myself, that parenting success should not be measured by our children's behaviour. I hate the thought that my neighbour whose car was damaged at the hands of my son might think of him as a little sh*t despite knowing little about him (and even if she knew everything about him), and that she may be judging my parenting as substandard for letting them play out front in the first place etc etc. (Granted she may not be thinking these things but you catch my drift!).. Different children, even within my own family, require completely different handling, support and strategies, and every one posesses inner beauty that we all need to see in one another, especially when surface issues make that difficult.

I was reminded the other day of the bible verse 'People look at the outside but god looks at the heart'. I've been meeting up with a friend lately to watch a series of DVD's called Captivating which are based on a book by the same name and a woman on that talks about her church upbringing having an unhelpful emphasis on being good to the point that she felt she wasn't loveable if she wasn't doing all the right things. My own church experience thankfully hasn't been like hers and I was relieved that she's learnt that her heavenly father doesn't want to parent that way - he see's her as precious regardless of what she does. This is how I hope I parent too. I want to help my children to be the best that they can be (and I am well aware that my parenting often leaves something to be desired) but I categorically accept them as they are and I unashamedly believe that this is a crucial part - if not the very mark - of good parenting; unfortunately though, I think it is often sidelined, looked down upon, or completely overlooked. It's so important to me that children know that they are accepted and acceptable all the time in every situation just because they - are. I often whisper to my children as they're falling asleep "I love you when you're angry, I love you when you're sad, I love you when you're doing unkind things, I love you when you're shouting, I love you when you're whispering, I love you when you're happy, I love you when you're doing things you shouldn't" etc etc etc. I believe their heavenly daddy is saying the same to them - and to me. I just wish that people who only see Bilbo in situations where his best side doesn't naturally shine through, could be automatically forgiving and accepting, and take the risk and inconvenience, and painful choice, of choosing love - acknowledging to themselves his innate priceless value - seeing the gold in him and treating him accordingly (many do and for those I am thankful).

I'm not talking about sherking discipline, I'm talking about embracing dignity ('that a being has an innate right to be valued and receive ethical treatment'). The other day my nextdoor neighbour (on the other side to the garage incident), after seeing Bilbo repeatedly and deliberately upsetting both his brothers in the garden, witnessed him fall up our steep concrete steps and hurt his legs. Said neighbour's reaction? "Serves him right." Something tells me we all would benefit from higher level thinking (myself included). I'm reminded of another bible verse (which I am also applying to my feelings about said neighbour): "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. Cheerfully share your home with those who need a meal or a place to stay."

As far as parenting goes I feel it is short-sighted, misplaced and frankly judgemental to base our opinions of someone's parenting primarily on the behaviour of their children.

Successful Parenting Part 1

I was hoping to blog everyday to give myself a chance to process and reflect at the end of each intense day but therein lies the problem - I haven't managed to blog for about a week because I've been spending all evening every evening getting children to sleep and supervising them every waking hour besides! More about sleep another time though! Suffice to say for now that Bilbo (age 7) is often still awake at 10:30pm but things are improving thankfully and he is at least usually calm (though absolutely not this evening but that's another story!! *'no sweets' didn't go down well*).

This week has brought with it a few challenges and a lot of fun. I'll start with some challenges to finish on a high note!

I'm hesitant to write these next couple of paragraphs because it doesn't paint Bilbo in a good light but I'm using this space to process so it would be counterproductive to sugar-coat things or only talk about the enjoyable bits, plus if I did then my reflections in Part 2 would be somewhat diluted!

Things that have tried me this week have included Bilbo climbing on nextdoor's garage roof (no surprise there - he loves to climb) - and realising once he was up there that he was desperate for a wee, so promptly relieving himself from great height in full view of the whole street, onto their driveway!! (He often doesn't notice he needs the loo until he's bursting, partly because he can get so absorbed in whatever he's doing and partly because he seems physically unable to tell sometimes - like toddlers, and the sudden sense of urgency can blind him into an inappropriate frenzy!). Oh yes, I'm sure the whole neighbourhood are in awe of my (countless) public parenting success(es)... We also had a pebble-throwing incident out the front which resulted in an (understandably) hacked-off neighbour with a chipped back windowscreen. Bilbo made her a very nice and heartfelt sorry card, and I said to let me know if she needs to spend any money on it, which, though she was restrained, unfortunately didn't cut it.

I sometimes wonder what people want - blood?!?? I remember being frozen out of a group of mums at a toddler group once when Bilbo pushed one of their children and I didn't make him appologise (though I personally was very appologetic on his behalf, both to the child and to the mum). The fact that he was 19 months old at the time and pre-verbal (the same age Freddie is now who, incidentally, is completely different), and that this is common toddler behaviour that they surely would have come across before, especially as she wasn't a first time mum, seemed irrelevant to them! The feeling of being left crying in the middle of the hall by their reaction to him is still quite fresh, as is the naughtier feeling of retribution toward one of the mums in said group when her kid later bashed Bilbo on the head - hard, and repeatedly - with a wooden toy...

A further 'highlight' of the week that happened out of sight for once, but which I shall declare to the world now just to make me and my kids look even better, happened while I was putting Freddie to bed the other night. For some reason unfathomable to me the kids could not settle down and watch telly but Freddie desperately needed to go to sleep so I had to just let them play in the garden and hope it would go well in my absence. In the middle of Freddie dropping off though, I heard giggles downstairs. This is rarely a good thing in unsupervised situations... I decided to interrupt bedtime proceedings and hot-footed it downstairs to discover the entire of downstairs caked in flour and, in places, water. Yup - the floors were covered, the computer and desk - everything. I somehow stayed calm though they knew I was cross and I said we needed to clear up the mess. I really, really wanted to do it myself because I didn't want it to get any worse so I just got them to do the bits that were least likely to worsten...

A final example of trials this week is yesterday morning when Bilbo was annoyed that Freddie sat in the front seat on the way to school, so grabbed a bit of perspex they'd used for a craft in the group the day before and launched it at him. The corner dug into Freddie's scalp in a manner that would have warranted a butterfly stitch had his hair not been in the way (to be fair, Bilbo looked genuinely surprised and remorseful when he realised he had injured his brother - he had intended 'only' to hurt him). I had to administer first aid upon arrival at school. I could understand and appreciate Bilbo's sense of injustice which, to be fair, was justified as I do often let Freddie go in the front because, frankly, for various reasons, it's easier; and I am sensitive to the fact that Bilbo, notably more than other 7 year olds, has difficulty self regulating his emotions. I think it's partly the sign of a soft heart (he just needs to develop a tougher skin to protect it, as a good friend observed in her own son). I almost admire the raw expression of feelings. But at the same time I don't want him to think it's ok to act like that and I feel for Freddie who so often gets it in the 'neck'. However, in this instance, being that we were on the way to school, I found myself blurting out "Right you can't have any sweets all weekend!" And that's what led, after a sweets-full day of summer fairs and birthday parties today, to this evening's meltdown mentioned above. I don't really regret it though because I haven't thought of anything different I could have done, accounting for circumstances and brain space! (I always try to think of a natural consequence in such instances, to help them see links between actions and repurcussions, and absolutely avoid linking food to behaviour - be it as carrot or as stick but in the heat of the moment it doesn't always work like that eh!)

I will reflect on my children's behaviour in Part 2 but for now I would just like to quickly point out that we have had some amazingly blessed times this week too!! We went to our friends' the Kellys' house for tea after school on Tuesday which I always massively appreciate - I realise an evening spent with us isn't the most relaxing - though I can guarantee it's never boring!!! Phil, the dad, is so amazingly hands-on; they live on a cul-de-sac with a big 'green' in the middle and he takes the kids out there to play football; he's like the self-appointed children's worker of the street! And they have a 9 year old daughter who is brilliant with Freddie - so I was able to stand back and chat with Mags which was just lovely :) And she cooked a meal that everyone shovelled in which is very impressive! They always produce fruit between main and desert which I think is great (not that I generally do desert but it's nice to when you're with friends isn't it :) ) and they play the game 'best bit worst bit' which I sometimes try to play at home with varied success but the kids join in there because everyone's doing it so that's both fun and satisfying! everyone takes it in turns tosay something about their day and they makes it fun by interspersing it with little jingles and doing a dance on the chairs for the last person :) Then Phil took them out again for yet more footy after tea! It works really well because having that focus helps Bilbo to play nicely with their son, and they also have a daughter who is close in age to Eddie so they enjoyed playing on the bikes :)

Another highlight I must just quickly mention was the kids rave we went to yesterday!! UV lit room, rave music playing at an appropriate level, food, glowing ballons, glow-stick bracelt-making, and various neon crafts: face paints (snapped Freddie out of a crying fit after falling off a chair when he clocked mine!!), t-shirt painting, and drawing on the dreaded above-mentioned perspex tablets! Loads of fun for all of us :)

A bumpy start but a good end

So this morning my mum got up early and drove through the city at rush hour to collect my three children and take two of them to school for me then keep one for the morning - so I could go to an early fitness class of the style I'm thinking about instructing to see what it's like for a participant. I drove out of town and off the beaten track for its venue which turned out to be a village pub (!?!) only to discover the class no longer runs!! All that effort for what?!! A little frustrating that I inconvenienced my mum so much when I needn't have :( Anyway, I thought I might as well use the time in some other productive manner so came back to Sheffield and took myself to the Post Office near where I knew my mum would be by then with Freddie as she was taking him to our toddler bongo session (love it!!). However, there turned out to be a power cut on that street so all the alarms were going off and the shops couldn't serve! Felt like I was going from pillar to post with my plans and time was running out because I was due to meet my mum in half an hour now! So I whizzed up to the next nearest Post office, got my errand run, and hot footed it back down to Fun Drum just in time :)

Freddie fell asleep in the car on the way back home then didn't want to be put down all afternoon so the house is a tip (no change there then!). We went to 'Good Work Assembly' at school (assemblies are at the end of the day in our school which has pro's and cons but is good in the sense that it means it can't drag on for the kids having to sit still!). We then played in the playground for a good lovely hour after school while I chatted with some mummy friends in the sunshine and the kids all amused themselves really well. It was definitely helped by the fact that one of the little girls was cycling round on her bike with brioche in the basket like a French baker sharing it out to everyone (not sure her mum intended it all to go so quickly...)! And the Scrapstore Play Pod was open for after school club so the ones that wren't climbing tree's or eating brioche were rolling around in barrels and hanging upside down from ropes! I love our school!! Had some really interesting conversations. Learnt that one of my new mummy friends was taken in by a church with her three siblings and her mum when they were in need of somewhere to live due to her dad moving out when she was a baby (just one month older than my youngest was when their dad moved out; thankful the kids and I were able to stay in the house). So they lived in her grandad's church until she was 4 or 5! Isn't that amazing! They grew up there watching various groups from toddlers through teens to eldery folks coming and using the church hall which was their living area! Isn't that amazing!! I guess again there'd be pro's and cons. But church buildings are for 'family' so I like the idea of it literally being a home :) We've decided that every Friday we're going to put up a little sign and make an open invitation to any families that want to, to head just round the corner to the cemetery (nicer than it sounds!!) for a play and picnic so everyone has somewhere to go and have company :) I've also just been texting another new mummy friend and we're going to plan a sanity day in the summer holidays where everyone's invited to get together in the day with the kids then the parents all go out that evening for get-to-know-you drinky-pops :)

When we left school Bilbo hit loopy mode. This usually means either there's no focus for him, he's hungry or thirsty or he needs the loo but I had dealt with all these possibilities and he just continued. I can't think of a word strong enough to describe how loud the sounds were that he was making in the car. He was happy enough but manic. I decided to take them to an adventure playground that we often go to on a Friday. Praise the Lord they had some craft activities out and he got stuck into that for about an hour while his brothers played. Eddie was using the water pump in the sand, filling buckets up and making puddles, and Freddie was finding ride-on's and generally exploring. When Bilbo finished what he was doing we had a go at table tennis but he was on the edge of hyper and they were closing anyway so we left. By the time we got home he was bouncing off the walls (of the car...). My civilised neighbours were sitting out the front enjoying the sunshine and chatting to one another (hottest day of the year apparently). He stripped off and ran like a loon up and down the street yelling "I'M NAKED, I'M NAKED!!!!" repeatedly. I managed to calmly get him inside by saying granny wouldn't be likely to come and babysit if she thought he would be being too crazy for her. So he came in, but went straight upstairs and started squirting water out the bathroom window, which is at the front of the house, shouting "I'M WEE'ING OUT THE WINDOW!!!!" It's a good job I don't really care what the neighbours think!!! ..Or maybe it would be more accurate to say I'm past caring?! Using the same reasoning I managed to stay calm and end up with him occupied in the back garden with water play, channeling water from the kitchen sink pipe down an add-on bit of drain pipe I found at the front after strong winds a while ago. They all played with that for ages and, a toilet trip helped him start to settle too (I think the sense of urgency when he needs the loo sends him hyper sometimes)!

They had microwaved frozen jacket potatoes for tea with pre-grated cheese (having already had a picnic). This meal is the bomb for a single mum with no free hands!!

This evening I went out!!! To a pirate-themed ceilidh at the Sheffield Ceilidh Society of which I am a member :) It was lots of fun! I invited lots of people and only one came, but it only takes one and I'm there! It's brilliant. It started as a student society but they found people didn't leave when they graduated - they kept coming back, and coming back - and now it's open to anyone so there's a great mix of people young and old, pro's and amateaurs (mainly the latter!), international students etc. The were folk-grunge! They were brilliant; The Black beard Tea Party! They have a different band every time. I'm hoping to become a caller at some point (ie learn how to tell people how to do the dances). It goes on til midnight but I tend to leave at 10:30pm to relieve my babysitter (yes - my mum - again!!). It's pretty hardcore though - no rests between dances - they're back-to-back - so I get plenty of dancing in! It's always a really good, fun, friendly atmosphere :) It's also downright dangerous with bodies flying everywhere and great speed! I got spun in a basket tonight in which the centrifugal force was such that it felt like all the blood in my body was going to cause my legs to shoot off/explode!! Night night xx

Fun and friends

Today began with a roll-over from yesterday when my parents were amazingly kind (as ever) and had Freddie for the entire day - and said they would collect the other two from school for me - so I could catch up with a whole load of paperwork and phone calls that are nigh-on impossible to get through with a small person climbing all over you!! The complication arose at 3 o'clock yesterday afternoon. I had an hour and a half left of precious child-free minutes to squeeze in filling out the most horrible but important form that I had put off to last when I suddenly remembered I had promised a lift to a friend's children and she was totally reliant on it so I had to leave there and then (so glad I remembered in time - hadn't put it on the calendar!!) to go get some children from school who weren't even mine - d'oh! At moments like this I can choose to feel stressed and panic-y or to tune in to 'the spontaneous flow of the Holy Spirit' and go with it! Thankfully I just about managed the latter :) A knock-on effect of this though, was that plans altered with my parents who had collected Eddie at lunchtime (he often just does half days) so Eddie and Freddie were at their house and I now had Bilbo because he wanted to come with me when I turned up at pick-up time for my friend's kids. So rather than meeting me later to hand them over after Green Warriors after school club that Bilbo had been intended to go to, they offered instead to bring Eddie and Freddie to my house. This was where the problem occurred that affected today: Freddie fell asleep en route to my house at 5 o'clock!! Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!! That is really bad! It would mean Freddie would be up late which, when you're a single parent, means everyone is up really late - because I can't take anyone to bed until he's in bed because I can't leave him unsupervised like I can the others while getting him to sleep... Again though, I managed to not stress and to go with the flow (just!) and we had a lovely l-o-n-g evening playing in the garden with water squirters and what-not (thankful for the light nights on this occasion!)... I avoid screen time as much as possible at times that I don't need to rely on it so that there is enough novelty value for when I do so though it was tempting to put a screen on because i was tired, I resisted because I knew I would be needing it later to occupy the older two when it came to Freddie being ready for bed (it's pretty much the only thing that I can be fairly sure won't disolve them into an argument or into making a huge mess while I'm unavailable).

Freddie went to sleep around 10pm in the end and the others were then asleep by 10:45pm - so all this meant there was no precious evening for me last night and a 'lie-in' on this school morning... (That'll teach me for not putting things on the calendar!) ie Eddie was practically still asleep while I got him dressed and carried him straight from bed into the car where he had fruit for breakfast on the way to school! We arrived after the bell but not by much. I know I could have woken him up earlier but it's more important to me that they're not tired in the day than that we are bang on time for school. I expect the teachers would share my view... And today was one that required lots of energy because it was sports day - yay!! Bilbo was really anxious about it because he didn't know what to expect so his teacher gave him a running order of the day to look at when we arrived at school which really helped him. He saw that he had tried out and enjoyed most of the activities before when his class went to the venue we were using on a school trip - so he was ok then :) Freddie and I went to watch and had lots of fun. It was at the English Institute of Sport which has a full-scale running track but indoors (it's where Jessica Ennis trains). So the venue is massive - quite overwhelming. We commented that it was like being outdoors but that someone had lowered the sky! Sitting in the seats, the people on the track looked really small! Not that I did sit down because Freddie was loving exploring the place and playing with the balls etc. I had to watch him in front of the ball-shooting machine mind!! I had fun running round the track after Freddie when he took off at speed; the children were cheering him on!! It was a great place to hire for our sports day because they have exciting things that we wouldn't be able to do otherwise like a professional long jump with a big sand pit to jump into (needless to say, that was a winner with Freddie!) and high jump, as well as kid-friendly javelins etc! I loved seeing Eddie and Bilbo loving it so much, big grins on their faces :) Bilbo took the hurdles very seriously; he is a super fast runner; good energy-channeling!!

After sports day we went to our friends' for tea which was just lovely. We know them from school first but they joined our church at the same time they joined school so we know them through church too. The dad is the vicar actually! He shares the leadership of church with a Baptist minister as well because we are 'ecumenical' (not that I'm into denominations). Pippa had put so much thought into our visit, it was really touching and very worthwhile because it meant everyone was able to relax and have fun as there was plenty to keep them occupied. Their children are older than mine so they're past the stage of needing to be as hands-on as I do at the moment so just for us, they put out a paddling pool and water squirters, bought bubbles, put out toys like Duplo and cars etc for Freddie, and even provided supervised decoupatch which mike, the dad, sat and did with Bilbo for ages! Bilbo is very into craft whereas Eddie loved the water play so it was just great - and sausages followed by ice lollies for tea! Who could want more?!?? The boys really enjoy their company and Freddie especially gravitates toward Mike whenever we see them so he revelled in the chance to be held by him almost the entire time we were there! It means a lot to me for them to have that male attention :) And I was able to have a nice chat with Pippa which I hadn't expected being that all three boys were there! So it was lovely for all four of us - and hopefully for Pippa, Mike and kids too (though I didn't think to help tidy up before we left..) - yay! The kids were super settled upon return too, and bedtime went really well :) My language of love , for those familiar with the term, is definitely quality time - and words of affirmation - so this evening did a very good job of filling up my love tank!

Freaky!!!

I found out something really weird today. It turns out that when my parents had Eddie on Saturday and Bilbo smashed the windscreen with me, Eddie smashed their windscreen too - in exactly the same place as Bilbo did mine (very top left corner)!?!! Neither of them have ever smashed a windscreen before. Isn't that just a little bit freaky???! It's like that identical twin intuition thing or something (not that they are twins)! Eddie did it completely accidentally though - he had been crouching in the footwell while they waited for the rain to pass, then bounced up a bit too far and his head cracked the glass (he was fine, though mortified about the breakage). Has anyone else had experiences of sibling intuition?? It reminds me of the day their dad's brother and his dad had a heart attack on the same day, neither having had one before and one living in New Zealand (the other in the UK), not to mention the fact there's 20 or 30 years between them! Bilbo and Eddie are very close despite their clashes. It's as if it was a subconcious sympathy break - like sympathy pain. Maybe it's a sign of some kind; I feel like it's too weird to not reflect on to some degree at least!

We had our school coffee morning today as we always do on Monday mornings. I love it; we keep it low key - just a warm, welcoming place for parents to stop on in the hall for, for a cake and a chat before going on with their day. It's a nice chance to catch up with parents who I know quite well and to get to know others that I might not otherwise get to chat to properly in the bustle of drop-off's and pick-up's :)

My mum came and took Eddie off my hands at the end to free me up over lunchtime because we were launching a new school club, 'Wonder Club' and I was co-leading the first one :) I'm on a rota so won't have to rely on childcare every week - probably more like once a month, though I am doing next week as it's worked out. We have half an hour. One of the adults is the 'door person' who welcomes each child as they come into the room and directs them to choose a mat to sit on. The children sit in a semi circle where the other leader is already sitting waiting for them at the front. She chats with them as they arrive then starts with a song which moves into a story-telling session where we use a set of figures and little props to tell a bible story. Today I did The Good Shepherd. The kids enjoyed watching, all in their own ways. There were a couple of very lively children which is a challenge in some ways but Claire, who I was doing it with today, and I, aren't easily phased so it wasn't particularly stressful and I think we'll get better with time! Again, the inclussive thing is so important, though I guess also different approaches work for different kids. Having lively children grabbing the story figures during the story time etc is tricky but we can work with them using strategic seating places and suchlike. (Incidentally, Claire is an identical twin and was telling me that when she was little she had to have an operation on her tummy and her sister had stomach pains during it, and when they were babies she had to have a jab in one room and her sister flinched in the other!! She also gets a feeling that makes her think her sister, who lives in another city, is upset and she's usually right.)

After the story we move into a wondering time whereby the story teller asks wondering questions that the children are welcome to respond to or not and there are no right or wrong answers. We don't praise answers either - just acknowledge them in a friendly/playful way. So, for example, I might say "I wonder where the bread and wine could really be" and one child may say "In a field", another "In the future" and so on. I couldn't be sure if they were being serious or a bit silly so I often just echo back what they say - "It could be in a field couldn't it!" It's run a bit like Philosophy for Children which some schools have as part of their curriculum.

After the wondering we have a response time where we say we're going to carry on thinking about the story but in our own individual ways. some of the children played enthusiastically with the story set (three at a time) and others did drawings individually. It doesn't matter what they draw - some may want to use a figure from the story set to trace around, others may draw robots - anything goes!! They are encouraged that it is their time and assured that no-one will ask them what they are doing or pass comment on it but that they are welcome to show us their work if they'd like to. We then finish by regathering in the semi circle to thank them for coming and the door person says goodbye to them each individually at the door. With today being the first it was all a little alien to them but they seemed to enjoy it and we'll get into a rythm I'm sure :) I like that we're facilitating a space for the children to be themselves and to express themselves freely and not be judged or told what to think. I realise that it is a didactic approach nontheless and that we are presenting stories only from one faith but as no-one is told to go and it is a church school - and I am a Christian - I guess I feel ok with that.

This afternoon we had our weekly prayer meeting for the school and I got a call from the martial arts instructor of the after school sessions Bilbo has been attending which gave me the joyous opportunity to tell him Bilbo doesn't want to go anymore as he finds it boring and is happy to make his own belt rather than stick at it just for the sake of getting a belt. That didn't go down well with, let's call him, Mr X, but hey ho - onwards and upwards! Bilbo enjoyed basket ball after school while Freddy and I took Eddie out for bike ride (Freddie in the buggy). We then took Bilbo to his swimming lesson which he loves :) He's like a dolphin - spends almost the whole lesson under the water! It really makes my heart feel all melty when I see him in the water embracing it so much :) the lessons are brilliant. There are only about 5 children in his class and there are at least two pool assistants in the water with them who are always friendly and smiley, and at least one instructor on the side (today it was two)! They take a lovely playful, no pressure approach and there are no assessment weeks. The kids are continually assessed, unawares to them; so whenever the instructors feel they're ready for the next level they just let us know and the kids start the next class up from the following week; i love that!! And it's only round the corner from us so we walk there :)

Sunday: Church, cricket and friends

Today was a church day. The second Sunday of the month, which means it's the week that I take Bilbo because it's the only week (due to lack of children's workers) that they are able to separate infants and juniors in Sunday school. He can't stand it when they have the big gatherings on the 1st and 3rd Sundays and gets nothing out of it those weeks so I stopped taking him on those weeks some time ago as there's no way I'm going to force him to go - that would only make him hate church and would just be mean. It really surprises me that in a church our size, of circa 2,000 members (more like 400 on any one Sunday morning), we have such difficulty gathering a team big enough to be able to have infants and juniors seperate every week but that's another story and frustratingly not one I feel I can help with at the moment as my youngest, Freddy, needs to stay with me - and I don't have anyone else he will go to - so I wouldn't be much help. Part of the problem, I believe, is that the young adults mostly go to the evening service so aren't readily on-hand to volunteer in the mornings but I know this and other things are being looked into for next year so we live in hope, thankful for the leaders who are working hard to build team etc :)

On first and third Sundays the children's work has generally been loud and stage-focussed, though that has been starting to change recently but the big room full of people and dancing and singing etc, still doesn't appeal to Bilbo, which is fair enough. He likes the more intimate, relational second Sunday set-up so I was looking forward to him benefitting from and enjoying that today but sadly it turned out that there weren't enough helpers even for that one week this month so all the primary kids (bar reception who are always with the 3-4 year olds) were together in the big hall. Bilbo was having none of it so ended up in the adult meeting with me and Freddy. I braced myself for a nightmare because this scenario has never meant anything but- before now. However, he was basically fine! I mean, he was moving around the entire time and blowing whistles on and off but he didn't go into loopy mode at any point. i couldn't quite believe it! He read a couple of baby books and played with Freddy happily. I didn't gleen as much from the service as I would have had he been in his group but i wasn't running round like a headless chicken which makes a change for me at church so I was relatively happy! I would prefer him to have been having a lovely time doing activities he enjoys and getting to know other people in the church I guess but the main thing is it was a positive experience for him and it wasn't particularly stressful for any of us.

I have been a bit of a nomadic Christian lately - certainly on 1st and 3rd Sundays anyway because I have needed to be in places that work for the kids. it's been a nice way to get to know other Christians as well. I discovered my local parish church run a special children's service on first Sundays so I've been going to that those weeks, and the church linked to our school does Godly Play on 3rd Sundays, which Bilbo really likes though Eddie not so much. It is an alternative multi sensory, playful approach to exploring bible stories with children and the response time is wonderfully and freely creative just as Bilbo is as a person! On 4th Sundays we have been going to a local Messy Church (not the one mentioned yesterday) and have also now started meeting with people from our main church for lunch and afternoon jaunts to the countryside which is also 'church' of course :) But lately all this has left me feeling a bit unsettled and like, while the kids are well catered for, there's little nourishment for me which I mustn't overlook, for the sake of us all. Needs change all the time with children but it looks like what's going to work for the next little while is probably Bilbo just going to a messy/church every other week and on the 1st and 3rd Sunday mornings that can become his daddy time as their dad doesn't currently go to a church. We do go to our school church's Messy Church on the last Friday of every month and also to the the Messy Church I mentioned yesterday so I don't really feel he's missing out and I'd rather he enjoyed it when he does go than felt he was made to go and didn't enjoy it.

This afternoon we had fun watching our church cricket team for the first time. it was reminicent of my childhood because I grew up watching my dad play cricket every week of the season with picnics and blackberry-picking on the edges of the pitches :) Bilbo wasn't easily entertained which, on my two hour's sleep, wasn't easily rectified today, but he eventually settled when someone pulled up in a campervan and started a fire outside it which is always fun to watch :) it was nice to be with friends and to meet the team but I wasn't very animated company today - I've been a bit of a walking zombie!!

Still seeing beauty - through it all!!

This (Saturday) morning the kids watched a bit of telly while I got everyone dressed and had a shower. My ideal is that they sit at a table and eat in a civilised manner but I learnt very quickly that with no extra pairs of hands, one very small child, and one with relatively significant issues - that pragmatism has to rule over ideals - and that one can be creative in ensuring quality conversation happens regularly without it having to coincide with meals.

As soon as things started getting out of hand (as they generally do with 3 young boys, especially with the eldest really not able to amuse himself easily, which has a knock-on effect on the general equilibrium of the family), I was then able to declare it time to go as if it was really necessary to leave there and then though we would have got away with waiting another half hour had the conditions been such that I thought that the house, my children and my sanity might survive.

We got in the car and went to Messy Church at St Bridget's (not real name), run by friends who have worked hard on making this service an intentionally inclussive one. It works for me, and that's saying something! The crafts were brilliant and I relished in the chance to be indoors and able to stop and breathe and enjoy with them. There is a man (we'll call him Mark) from St Bridget's who comes into our school to do bible story assemblies every half term and he also mans one of the craft tables at this Messy Church. My littlest, let's call him Freddie, gravitates toward men and was very successful today in currying this man's attention. I really appreciated Mark's enthusiastic and proactive, positive interractions with Freddie and also with the other two, especially as I am very aware of their lack of male company.

The format seemed a bit different to usual today, possibly because the leaders have been going through a difficult time due to personal circumstances, or maybe it was just the plan anyway. After an hour of craft my eldest (let's call him Bilbo) started to go crazy because he'd done all the crafts and playing that he was interested in and there wasn't really anything else to take his attention (when we've been before I think the craft time has been peppered with soundbites of circle time rather than it being just at the end before lunch). I was relieved to spot a box of bubbles in the corner and got a tube down for him to play with while we waited for the circle time and thank goodness it did the trick - he was absorbed in bubble blowing which meant he and everyone else, was saved from him spiralling into hyperactive sensory-seeking mode. Then a well-meaning woman spotted him, came over and told him to put them away because it wasn't bubble time yet. This lady had no idea that in that small act she had inadvertently ruined my day and my windscreen would later be smashed as a result (!?!!).

Circle time eventually began what seemed like an age later (maybe 10 minutes...), by which time Bilbo was getting very hard to keep calm as he had been having nothing to do despite my best efforts. Story time was significantly disrupted by him taking everyone else's cushions, making loud outbursts, singing inappropriate words etc. I ended up leaving him and my toddler to Mark and removing his younger-by-two-and-a-half-years-brother (who we'll call Eddie) because they are better apart at times like this. I then had to go back and also remove Freddie for the same reason. Bilbo then managed to focus and listened to the story for a couple of minutes. Bubbles were then thankfully produced and permitted outside despite the rain though mine were the only ones to seize that opportunity (for all it was worth) and I was relieved that the leaders' understandable reluctance to venture out wasn't translated into a blanket refusal to all and to be fair the vicar joined us and I stood under his brollie :)

It was then lunchtime which was positively a nightmare if you'll pardon the oxymoron. Bilbo catapulted food across the wonderfully civilised room - twice. He shouted - *really* loud - a lot - to the point that my good friend who is the leader (and with whom I had chosen to sit because I enjoy his company), though being patient, had to cover his ears... We also had more inappropriate singing, table wobbling, etc. In desperation I told Bilbo if he felt like he needed to run around he could go outside if he wanted - he just couldn't do it round the food etc. So I breathed a sigh of relief when he and Eddie ran out the door to be noisy and let off steam outdoors so I could feed Freddie and eat some food and maybe even (shock horror) have a conversation. About 60 seconds later the genuinely well-meaning lady who had confiscated the bubbles escorted them back in saying she found them out there and was worried they might injure themselves. I was understanding about it and explained I had felt they were disturbing everyone and that they would be better outside than in. She agree'd it was a difficult balance but clearly wasn't going to be swayed.

As a result things went from bad to worse and by the end of the meal I could barely string a sentence together when my parents arrived who we were seeing afterwards. I handed them the younger two so I could fully focus on Bilbo which is the only thing that works when things get to this stage with him. I managed to settle him a bit by taking him to the toilet then he wanted to collect his bun that he'd decorated in the craft time so we went to get it only to discover it was damaged (which was hardly surprising given that he'd built a tower of about 7 Love Hearts on the top of it...). At this moment hyper mode flicked into meltdown but I explained there was nothing we could do. We went out to the car where I hoped the change of scene would distract and redirect his thoughts but he'd gone too far. He was kicking, hitting, shouting, in an all-consuming rage. At his request, and as a desperate measure, I said we could go back in and ask if they had any icing left that we could fix it back together with. It was that genuinely well-meaning woman again who I asked. She said we couldn't have any and my friend the leader who was standing with her had no suggestions to offer as he usually would which I assumed was because he was probably feeling weary with all that has been going on for his family in the last couple of weeks. It felt like there was a lack of empathy for me and Bilbo and that they just didn't think he deserved the icing for the way he was behaving (if anyone needed help over judgement at this point it was him. However, as it turns out, the icing had been thrown away - but I was unaware of that). So the way we left Messy Church today was me taking a beside-himself child out to the car where he had a massive meltdown which included kicking the windscreen (from the inside). This blessed but over-stretched, sleep-deprived single mum now has another thing to add to her to-do list.

Please let me make this clear: I am not in any way complaining about this specific Messy Church or any individuals per se (to the contrary I look forward to this Messy Church for months in advance, not least because I massively appreciate the various sympathies that the leaders of this particular one hold with my situation - they are some of the few people with whom I feel completely at ease regardless of what's going on; plus the male of the two leaders is a truly gifted story-teller and intertwines song into his stories and more which I just love - it's so inviting, and the female is amazingly talented on the craft front as well as in her hospitality and catering - so they make a fantastic team; I frequently hold them up as an exemplary beacon of how to do inclusive Messy Church when talking to other church leaders, one of whom wants to come with me to see them in action next time), I'm just using today's experience to help me articulate a wider frustration I have with most of my church experiences at the moment. In the two minutes-worth of story that Bilbo had managed to engage with he learnt about Pentecost - the birth of The Church - where Judaism became Christianity and therefore accessible to all: "In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us." Colossioans 3:11

Bilbo was worn out after all his emotional energy expenditure and was as baffled by the intensity of his feelings as the rest of us had been, asking why he had reacted in such a way when his brother wasn't really even bothered that his bun had also broken. This was a good chance to reflect and regather with him. (We talked about the fact that we all get affected in different ways by different things etc; I recommend the book The Red Beast which I reminded him of and which informed our conversation). We went on to have a really enjoyable afternoon of one-on-one downtime :) We went to an outdoor production then to Pizza Express where hyper mode hit again but the setting this time was ideal: we were outdoors. His noise disipated easily and he was free to run around as much as he liked as the restaurant opens onto a big open space with water globes and street entertainers. I relaxed and savoured my food as I watched, laughing out loud and revelling in his crazy ways :) Incidentally, Forest Church and Mossy Church are things I'm very interested in at the moment, and I'm on a Messy Church planning team for another church, which is to be outdoors for the next couple of months :)