Experimenting

After a long break, I've decided to return to this medium to record my thoughts and moments rather than Facebook as I find the latter somewhat all-consuming and it sucks me in whenever I go on to 'just quickly check something'; so this should avoid that. I'll start very simply with a couple of pics of today, just to see if I can figure out how to, never having put any photos on here (I seem to have favoured long monologues in the past!!). I like to capture the happy moments of the day to help me to remember and dwell on the positives!! Rest assured I am under no illusion that life is a bed of roses! We had a lovely little time at Baskin' Robins after school due to me both running out of time to take a snack and having a craving for sugar that could not be as easily satisfied as usual owing to my being off milk chocolate for lent :)    

Challenging Behaviour Strategies

I thought I'd share some strategies I find useful for when my eldest is heading for/has gone off the scale! They have come from my paediatric nurse training and various workshops I've been to. I just wrote them out for my parents to help them feel empowered and avoid reaching the end of their tether. In case helpful for anyone :) It's relevant whether the presenting behaviour is hyperactivity or anger, or whatever:

De-escalation is the name of the game. It's a skill so it can be learnt; it might go against the grain but it saves everybody's blood pressure!! So:

Keep yourself calm; be the bigger person; research shows if you focus on breathing slowly the child will do the same without you needing to say anything about it. 

Speak slowly and quietly. This will help the child slow down. It's the opposite of how you feel but if you act how you feel then the situation escalates and doesn't end well.

Distract and redirect yourself and him from the situation: eg give a closed positive choice: would you like to do x or y? (Eg go and chill out over there or run ahead [one calm choice, one lively choice]). This may spark an idea of his own which is also fine. *I have found this one really helpful*

Another form of distraction is to ask him to help you, eg with his littlest brother - sometimes that different focus and responsibility turns out to make all the difference.

Swap with another adult if possible. Avoid ganging up even though you may both be feeling exasperated.

Wherever possible consciously keep at least two paces away from the child (to avoid throttling them!).

Pick your battles. As long as the child's behaviour isn't dangerous to themselves or others, or going to break anything that matters, let them get it out of their system, eg stamping up the stairs/shouting/slamming door etc; this isn't a time that trying to reason with him will work - just give him a wide berth! 

Where possible remove something that's causing/exacerbating the problem (eg yourself..., or perhaps, for example, if hitting Brother calmly remove brother) 

Use positive language, eg you can go out there rather than you can't go in there.

Don't talk about consequences.

Notice any tiny positive thing and emphasise it - celebrate every little thing - eg that was kind to put the x down/you're using your self control really well by...

When you have both calmed down, which may be minutes to days later, listen to how he felt about what happened and tell him how you felt. Work together to find solutions. Tell him some of the things you love about him and reassure him that you still love him just as much - the behaviour doesn't affect that. In the meantime debrief with another adult, in person or online.

When reflecting with the child have two stages:

1. I was/I felt (give them language, preferably written down as a focus eg cross, sad, happy, frustrated, tired, bored, angry, fed up, surprised, anxious, embarrassed, confident, determined, scared, silly, jealous, lonely, hopeful, any others?)

2. Next time I would like to (say sorry, do another activity, go and see mummy or daddy, go outside, go somewhere else, something else?)

I'm often told that I am unusually patient and peaceful! I think it's because I generally employ these strategies without thinking about it these days (there are exceptions!!) rather than allowing myself to get drawn in! The hardest bit is that the precise moment you need to delve deep into your reserves for these strategies is the precise moment you may actually explode... I quite enjoy the personal challenge; hopefully you will too (if you don't already)! ;) xxxx

Facebook Fast

A friend, who happens to be a university chaplain on sebatical and spending much of it researching internet residents/non-residents, asked me yesterday what my experience of fasting Facebook for Lent has been like. I thought I'd post my resulting reflections here :) I have definitely found it liberating. I am enjoying living my life in 3D, free from the self-imposed enslavement that Facebook brings. It feels good not to be translating life experiences into stati as they happen, not to be wanting to portray myself in a certain way and instead just getting on with being. That's part of why it feels liberating. I've been spending a heck of a lot more time with God, reading the bible, listening to UCB Christian Radio, singing worship songs, writing out scriptures that catch my attention and sticking them on the wall, praying. I'd rather get my identity and intimacy from my my creator anyway :) It has crossed my mind that maybe I'm brain washing myself in so-doing but I figure washing my brain can't be a bad thing as long as it's with good stuff, right? "Whatever is pure, whatever is noble, whatever is praiseworthy, think of such things" - that's somewhere in the bible :) My fast also happens to have coincided with the most stressful, anxiety-ridden few weeks of my life so I'm glad I haven't been distracted by Facebook when I have felt summoned to go deeper with God because I don't want to miss a trick with Him, especially at times like this, but also at all times; He knows best (maybe that's why, in His grace, this intensely challenging time has happened when I haven't been sucked into Facebook?).

I haven't been legalistic about my fast; my sister had a baby in America at the beginning of Lent so I have been going onto her account to see the pics, and glancing at my pm's while I'm there, to check I'm not missing any important messages, and I've allowed myself Sundays off (or should I say on?). But on those Sundays it feels strange to me that I found Facebook so all consuming before because now it holds far less appeal than it did. I like to see what people are up to and feel in touch with people I don't see but I am really pleased the whole thing has lost its grip on me! As a single mum Facebook can feel like my connection with the outside world when I'm on my own in the house of an evening but actually, as I have read during this time, "In vain we rise early and *stay up late*, for the Lord grants sleep to those He loves" (also somewhere in the bible) and I have been going to bed with the kids and feeling much better for it (not that my eldest goes to bed that early)! So I like Facebook but I think I will use it differently from now on, trying to avoid using it to present myself in certain ways (I've gone off politics anyway!), and also giving it its right place in my life so I don't gravitate towards it so much xxxxxxx

Food

Trying to figure out the perfect diet at the mo. As in for healthy, wholesome nutrition - not weight loss. Gosh it's a minefield isn't it!  Apparently our bodies produce saturated fat naturally, sufficient for all our needs, so we don't need to injest it. So that's red meat and saturated fats off the list. 

I'm trying to imagine how a redesigned food pyramid should look. 

Knowing more and more people being diagnosed with dementia at earlier and earlier ages I've been reading about 'grain brain' which has pretty much resulted in me striking grains and starchy food out of my intake, as a general rule. So the food pyramid I'm shaping is starting to look pretty alternative, to some... I would go with the paleo one but they're big into red meat and saturated fats so I need to tweak it but who am I to do that?!! I can't help myself though!

Looking into ancient grains now. I think they're ok because they don't have the sugar effect on the body that all modern grains do (including modern whole grains) so perhaps I could add them into my food pyramid because these types of grain do bring important nutrients and are very low in gluten, if not free from it.

So if I adjust paleo to suit my hunches I guess we'd have oily fish, eggs and turkey at the bottom. Perhaps something like the new one in the following link, minus the saturated fats and sugar (including fructose, though I would include apples, pears and berries because these are very low in fructose). 

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/introducing-the-new-primal-blueprint-food-pyramid/#axzz3SUEXZgSV 

I think that's basically how I think I should eat: Mainly veg, most calories from protein (I have eggs or fish [prawns today!] rather than grains, fruit or dairy for breakfast everyday anyway coz they fill me up til lunch and are nutrient-dense), and ancient grains have a place in that there link too :) I'm not sure I want my diet to be so focused on animal produce though. I wonder if I could add vegetarian proteins into the bottom; I wonder why they aren't there?

Finally, thanks to Davina McCall (sp?!) I have discovered 100% cocoa solids chocolate! I didn't know it existed. Apparently it's available in big supermarkets so I will be giving that a try because it is sugar free :) Until I went sugar free for 3 months and subsequently drastically reduced my sugar intake I would not have liked it at all but I've seen my palet go from tolerating 75% dark chocolate as a less more-ish alternative to milk chocolate, to now enjoying 90% dark chocolate, so 100% is the next logical step! Yay! This is a really informative little video on sugar that was key to me getting a grip and kicking it to the curb when I was truly addicted, eating 3 packets of Maltesers for my tea every day!! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM

My Bare-footers

Occasionally people are intrigued by my unconventional choice not to make my innately footwear-averse youngest child wear shoes. Some applaud it and tell me of how they hate wearing shoes themselves, or how they loved to go without as a child; I hear some lovely stories from people - it can be quite a conversation starter :) Others are appalled and very forthright in saying so! And of course there's everything in between, and those that don't notice or think nothing of it (as it should be ;) ). So I've compiled a Barefoot Info sheet to give to any 'interested' passers-by. Thought I'd share it here in case you are one of them! This is it:

I've done a lot of research into this evidence-based practice and have made my parenting decision based on my children's best interests :) So here's a brief summary of the wealth of thorough research out there (which basically comes down to: the benefits outway the risks). 

Based on the below evidence and more, I've come to the admittedly counter-cultural conclusion, that barefoot is best - it helps muscles develop and allows skin to breath, and among many other benefits, feeling the terrain beneath their feet helps children learn to walk: Feet weren't designed to be in shoes. 

Footwear is a cultural habit alien to the vast majority of the world, including the country my children's dad was brought up in where he and all his peers walked to school barefoot and stayed that way all day. 

Shoe-wearers have a much higher percentage of ailments than habitually barefoot people - from bunions due to soft skin through to hip and skeletal problems due to improper alignment caused by soles and the 'splint' effect of footwear. 

Going barefoot as much as possible is especially beneficial to children, and the younger the better - because: barefoot walking develops the muscles and ligaments of the foot, increases the strength of the arch, contributes to good posture and improves our proprioception. Foot development can be damaged by the constraints of shoes. The younger the foot, the greater the potential for damage (the cartialage our feet are made up of at birth isn't fully bone until our late teens). Shoes are of particular concern in children learning to walk because the lack of sole flexibility, and even the slightest incline at the heel end, causes the children to bounce and tip forward. Foot movement is restricted which has an impact on our physiological development. 

In footwear, our temperature-sensing nerves in our feet are stuck just reading the inside of our shoes. This dulls our senses and numbs our nerves into auto-pilot. Walking barefoot in different environments, weathers and temperatures keeps our nervous system stimulated, awake and developing. As a result the circulation to our feet is more efficient as is their temperature regulation, and so walking on cold ground does not have the same effect it would on a shoe-wearer's bare feet, in fact the well seasoned barefooter rarely has significantly cold feet. 

There are incidents that will happen with or without shoes on, but wearing shoes teaches children how to pay less attention to what is going on beneath their feet, and disconnects them from their natural way of being. 

 I do put shoes on my children when absolutely necessary, and let them wear them if they want to, but I choose their footwear very carefully with extra thin soles, zero heel, wide toes and flexible sides to allow for full range of movement among all the other above-mentioned reasons. I generally get them from Vivobarefoot, who have further research on their website. 

Thanks for reading!!! If you're interested in further reading there are a number of books and websites on the subject such as those below, or you could even speak to a paediatric podiatrist if you're feeling really motivated! 

Books: Every Woman's Guide to Foot Pain Relief, Katy Bowman, Alignment Matters, Katy Bowman, Move Your DNA, Katy Bowman 

Websites (there are many!): www.unshod.org the guardian.com (Why Barefoot is Best for Children) www.katysays.com

Snook Mole Love Fest 2014!

This weekend was one I will never forget! I had been looking forward to it for the last two months since my cousin, Paul (aka Mole) and his girlfriend decided they were to wed :) On a hippy commune in Devon where we were all to camp! The invite read "...So we’re having a wedding; you are invited and the state isn’t." It was interesting to be at a marriage ceremony where the leader read out "The state and its pieces of paper can f*ck off"! Then she went on to say "but be under no illusion - this is a wedding", and it truly was - "in sickness and in health til death do us part" as they incorporated into their vows.

It being a wedding I had packed my nice dress and colour-block was the suggested theme. I even managed to have a shower the day before which was more than I had managed in the preceeding 5 days! I ran out of time to prioritise shaving my legs or armpits which have been overlooked for I don't even know how long, partly because being fair-haired I can 'get away with it' and partly because it really doesn't sit well with me at all that these things should matter even slightly. Well, it turned out I was in good company because there were loud and proud hairy armpits and furry legs aplenty - including the bride! Gosh, that was soo refreshing (and initilly surprising)! I do feel like a duck out of water sometimes when I say such things but there I was postively normal! I love that my cousin and his friends are entirely unaffected by illogical and unnecessary expectations of society :) There was no pretence - people were just free to be themselves - in every way! Paul (aka Mole) and his wife even swapped outfits for the banquet, incorporating a powerful message regarding gender politics which I may blog about some other time when my brain is working better! And they actively welcomed my kids at the top table of the banquet for the full hour of speaches without batting an eyelid which I so appreciated - they were made to feel fully part of the whole thing and even led the wedding procession into the ceremony field without that having been planned; it really did feel like 'anything goes' :) My cousin and his wife aren't Christians but they are Christ-like. they bith work part time in a library and live very simply with no car. they volunteer in community cafe's and open their street regularly for children to play out, organising stewards to close the road off even though they have no kids of their own. They frequently go on on protest camps for th good of the rest of us and those without a voice and they make an actual difference. Shell pulled out of laying a pipeline, that would have put local residents at significant risk, thanks to them not being afraid of being arrested and also putting their lives at risk in the sea in front of massive Shell ships coming to start drilling.

When we arrived there was a little handwritten notice by the entrance gate saying "Feel free to wee anywhere around the site just not in the toilets" (aka the poo loo's) - so I knew instantly that I could relax (in more ways than one) and that we were among friends!! The kids amused themselves so well the entire time - I could just let them roam free. There was a handmade climbing frame and swing set and a trampoline in the field that we camped in which was their 'village green' which was at the centre of the bender and round house dwellings of the people who live there (separated by a hedge for privacy). Ten adults live there and seven children. One of the children came out not long after we arrived and befriended my two older ones so the three of them became a little possy and basically looked after themselves for the rest of the time. She invited them into her garden where they played on her tree swing and in their chicken house, with the ducks etc. She had My Little Ponies in her house and her 13 year old sister was on a laptop (running off electricity from their wind turbine) so they are 21st century hippies! There's only one drinking water source on the whole site though, which is a pump given to them by Water Aid who needed somewhere to long term quality test the pumps they give to communities in Africa. In order to source the water the bore hole people used dousing which is still the main way water sources are found even though it seems archaic. They're completely off-grid hence needing to dig a well of their own.

It is a premaculture site so they are trying to live as sustainably as possible - but intentionally not entirely self sufficient - they actively seek to build relations with their 'neighbours' and often share tools and other things with them. When they got the site 10 years ago it was basically a big field with some woodland next to it. They had to apply for change of land use from agricultural and it is now registered for educational, horticulutral, environmental and I think residential - all of which are quite wide in definition which helps them have quite a lot of freedom within the terms of use. with their blank canvas they decided to have a village green set-up because it seemed the most community-building-friendly. They found it hard to agree on size for the green though - some wanted lots of space for games, others wanted the houses close together, others didn't want it at all. I know from being in a family school where mainly the parents did the teaching (so it was like a co-op) - that this sort of thing comes up a lot where you have a group of people who have chosen to commit to something together: everyone has different idea's of what will be best but also want very much to work together hence opting in in the first place. It can get quite intense. They found that to problem solve this particular issue the thing that worked best was they all stood in the field, started in the middle and physically put their bodies where they wanted the edge of the green to be, then inched about a bit until all were happy.

Another aspect of permacultue is that you put the things that need the most attention closest to your dwelling (further than 20 feet away and they've found they get neglected) - so they have the goats, chickens and veg patches right next to their dwellings and the horses and slower-growing plants further away, in another field. They've found this works really well. It makes sense. They have a communal bender and yurt attached to each other for house keeping gatherings and hanging out, where there is also wifi, but they spend a lot of their time outdoors and have a campfire area outside this. This is next to the village green. They also have an outdoor pizza oven and fire pit in the next field by the water-collecting structure.

They use a wind turbine and solar panels for elctricity so they make lots of electricity in the summer and not much in the winter which means they've had to get creative with electricity-usage and food storage for winter. The more they use in the summer the better because they get money for generating it, albeit from other electricity suppliers which they aren't 100% happy with from an ethical perspective. They were dehydrating their produce for the winter but dehydrators use a lot of electricity so they now grow things that dry on the plant naturally and can then be stored, such as runner beans, and they just use the dehydrator for things that can be dehydrated in the summer months when it's in their interests to use electricity up!

The hardest and most liberating year of my life

A year ago today my partner of 13 years, husband of 11, and father to my three children (then 6, 4 and 8 months) moved out. I squeezed every last bit of myself into our marriage. I was full of faith and hope throughout but in the end had to admit defeat. By the point of letting him go there were no other options left.

This year has been a whirlwind of survival made up of anxiety, fragility, healing, sleeplessness, meltdowns, grief (though tbh that pretty much ran its course some time before the split), cortisol, sugar, sugar, sugar (for me not the kids!), but most of all relief.

I can breath again. I can be me. I feel naked and vulnerable, secure and authentic. I may have had a bit of an identity crisis and have realised how much value society (certainly church, albeit subconsciously and implicitly) places on marriage over singleness, marrieds over singles. I am just as valuable without a ring on my finger as I am with. I'm not bereft, I'm whole. I'm not a failure, I'm a trooper. I don't have to explain myself - people will think what they will think (though I am happy to talk, and to be listened to). I'm thankful for friends who are/have been single mums and are secure in it; they have been good role models. I'm not needy but I appreciate help and I'm not afraid to ask for it, nor ashamed to pay for it. I feel looked after by the state and I'm thankful for benefits. I have considered life in a Christian commune but the most important thing for the kids has been to keep things as settled as possible!

I have nothing to give and I have everything to give. I am learning amidst the chaos and confusion. I'm not sure what I'm learning but it's definitely good! I feel like no-one who's only got to know me in the last 11 years or so knows me properly - because in some ways I feel like I've lost myself. I've realised that the people who've known me the longest are generally the ones who most accurately reflect myself back to me, helping me remember who I am. And yet, of course, I'm not who I was. I have also unknowingly been finding myself! And so I'm discovering who I've been becoming, and hopefully others are as well. There are also those who I've only got to know in the last year who are part of the 'new' me, and I'm thankful for their and others' friendship.

I'm definitely on a road of discovery. Not one I would ever have chosen to go down but one that feels safe with my new husband, Jesus. I've loved Him all along (if He is a he; I think 'He' likely transcends gender) but am rediscovering life with 'Him' in a new way. I'd far rather depend on Him than anyone or anything else. It's hard but it's good. It's liberating. I'm free! I'm rising from the ashes!

The year has been incredibly hard, but better, peppered with fun, laughter-crying and love, and I have known the tangible peace of my heavenly father (/mother). I thank Him from my heart for carrying me and the kids through this time. I'm thankful also for the people God has put around me over this last year, some of whom I didn't even know this time a year ago, one of whom I've known since I was in her womb. I have needed 'family'. I have been disappointed by church, I have been encouraged by church. It means more than I can say when people absorb me and the kids into their families, warts and all. I have found some families to be more inclusive than others. It's a shame but I understand. It didn't help that at the same time that my husband moved out most of my closer friends here were having significant crises/life events of their own - moving away, having babies, etc. But here I am today, stronger, weaker, blessed :)

"Be still and know that I am God."